Outskirts

I was looking at some pictures tonight that were "tagged" to me on Facebook.

I saw some folks I will now never see again.

I saw some pictures from when I was sick, the one of my girls and I, laying in the grass, maybe two months before my transplant. I'm scared of becoming like that again.

So weak. Tired.

Yellow.

I got four extra years. I am not sad about that. Still I wonder if I spent it wisely, this extra time I gifted away, one weekend at a time.

I'm more sad, and torn now. Sad to think it was wasted. To see that which I love so dearly to spend my time, my precious time, on, withering.

I must have failed.

I failed to become who I was supposed to be. No doubt. I tried, and failed. Yes, some good came of it, I'm sure, but I can't help but to think that it was all really one big joke.

What did it mean?

Part of me wants to start over, from scratch. Ornell once told me it is easier to rebuild than to redeem. Part of me wants to go my own way. Use the skills I have now to make a life for myself and to support my family with the time I have left. Part of me wants to just quit now, and leave this sorrow behind.

I haven't done anything in a month or better. I can't get going. I sit here in my funk, needing to go and get my head cleared, get my heart right, but stagnant instead. Events keep me here. Events need me elsewhere.

I am ineffective either way.

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The worst part is the lack of being able to trust. I didn't, then I did, then I was betrayed by those I never thought would. I don't mean "narked out", like some childish tattle tale, but a true betrayal of faith.

I must have failed for them to betray me like that. To quit believing right and wrong, and to fall prey to their fears and own desire to shine.

I didn't mean to place you in the shadow. When I realized it had happened, I tried to step back. I failed because I didn't realize it was too late already. I didn't realize the resentment had taken such deep root. I was my fault for trusting that love did conquer. I forgot that we were humans still, no mater the importance of the cause.

I am sorry I failed you this way.

I was foolish to imagine that I knew best.

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God, my Father, I am sorry I failed your trust in me. You put me where I needed to be, you showed me the way, you guided me, and I failed.

Because I didn't trust in You. Because I am the worst of all Christians, those who try to walk in both worlds. I continued to relish the days of debauchery even after I knew I had to leave them buried in the past. I failed to be the man, the leader, the servant I needed to be because I never did firmly stand up and say, "I am Yours!". Instead I would be close with you one day, and be playing pool with Satan the next.

And this is the result. Wasted time, a wasted second chance, a wasted opportunity to succeed at ........ peace? I may never know.

It is gone.

What ever part I had to play I failed.

What choice did they have, but to lose faith in me, as I was so faithless myself. My shield was paper thin, when I had four years to make it like steel.

A righteous man would have not been vulnerable to the attacks I suffered. A righteous man would have known truly what to say, what to do, because God would have been able to work through him, instead of being blocked by a hard heart.

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Now, soon, I will have to face the men I failed. Samuel W. John and Samuel A. John and Jonas P. Johnathan H.

Issac D.

I failed to take care of the children.

I failed those people in the pictures.

I failed God.

I failed you.

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I look at all this, thinking, and wonder if I need to hit delete. What is it really saying. What do you think. Is it "Guy's Manipulating", "Guy's Begging", "Guy Just Doesn't Know When To Shut Up?".

I don't know either. I'm so full of self doubt right now, I don't trust my own intentions.

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This is certainly wandering, and not focused. "Rambling" is the word the media would use to weight it negatively during a story. "Incoherent" even, if they had no idea of the background.

-sigh-

I had better write something soon that isn't.

Heck, I can always take it down......

Guy

Gulf Road

James McMurtry

Not a hot cup of coffee, nor a cold glass of tea
Ever crossed your lips in my company
Straight bourbon whiskey was all we'd abide
So let's don't hold back now we've got nothing to hide

So much we savored yet so much we missed
You know I never meant you
to see me like this
Just a faint distant flicker from
the last of the storm
You know a taste of that liquor
could do me no harm

Light me a candle. Light me a fire.
We'll sit by the window with the shades drawn
To the best of intentions and the worst of desires
We'll leave by the Gulf Road in the grey dawn

Take a short handled shovel
Take a long handled hoe
Cover my bones when the west wind blows
Smooth it off even, pack it down hard

I'll no more be here but I'll never be far

I'll no more be here but I'll never be far